"Let's say I just puked up something that could probably beat me at arm wrestling."
I Bring The Comfort
"Uh, ha ha, um no, more like fifty jigawatts of party power right here in my party pants."
My Doctor Is Being A Real Jerk
"Doc, if you weren't the cheapest guy who took my insurance, I'd probably take my penis elsewhere."
All The Signs Are In Spanish
"Thank you Our Lord Jesus Christ for blessing me with at least one child who has healthy sperm and can drive stick!"
The Final Authority On All Matters
"Do you see a big pile of dirty laundry and empty bottles of vanilla extract on the floor?"
I'm Heartbroken About Mister Swiffer
"Who needs video phone doodads when I can hear that horrible mean face of yours right in your voice."
This Word-Picture Is Extremely Vivid
"Boy, I am telling you what my goddamn corns feel like!"
The Refresher Course
"Well, sweetheart, as you know, a prayer down here turns into a suggestive back rub in Heaven."
How I Want This Shampoo to Go
"Chewbacca's from the seventies, so maybe you don't know who I mean but whatever."
My Wicked Education
"And he takes you by your little necklace and starts punching the mascara off your head."
"You are grounded. You are grounded until menopause."
No Chicken Fingered
"What's the German word for where you think you're all hip but actually you're about thirty months late, on average."
A Thing of Mayo
"I hope that mustache you're working on is a little further along."
This Terrible Hotline
"Some hooligan in droopy drawers got me all confused with his good looks and stole my card and ran up this huge phone sex bill."
"The plant urinal? The manly lotion dispenser that looks like a grenade? The koala buddy?"
©2008 / Joshua Allen