JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Go.

SONIA ALLEN. Guess what week it is!

JGA. Eric Roberts Week on TNT, doy. Everybody knows that.

SA. I said guess what week this is.

JGA. [sighs] Birthday Week.

SA. Oh my goodness! Then where are you taking your favorite wife out for din-din?

JGA. Well, seeing as this is a super-special occasion that only happens once a year, not including Half Birthday Week, I’m guessing we’ll be crossing all the old standbys off the list.

SA. Yeah, no Ham Haus.

JGA. No Wet Burrito, no MSG-Whiz!!, no Burgr 2.0 Beta.

SA. No Chicken Fingered. Maybe someplace where the vomit on the floor doesn’t look exactly like the food? Someplace with a tablecloth. Someplace where I don’t recognize one single thing on the menu.

JGA. Keep it classy, check.

SA. I wanna be all: Whaaa?

JGA. Yeah like: Blackened vajayjay stuffed with double-seared wampa beans?!

SA. Always with the vajayjay. What’s the German word for where you think you’re all hip but actually you’re about thirty months late, on average.

JGA. Letting that slide because it’s Birthday Week and you had sex with me in high school. Mariachi band, yes or no.

SA. Of course not, and before you even say it—

JGA. [quickly] Depressed waitresses singing “Happy Birthd—

SA. No singing, no clapping, no funny hat. Here’s how you know the restaurant is good: Tell them it’s my birthday and you’d like them to come over to the table and sing at me and make me feel embarrassed for the whole world. If they say something like, “Would m’sieur prefer the divorce papers before or after dessert?” then make a reservation.

JGA. How about that place downtown where they don’t even have a menu?

SA. Ooh. Hello. Is it getting arousing in here?

JGA. Yeah you just sit down and the chef is all: Strap in, motherfucker!

SA. You’re telling me I’m at the whim of his delicate but masculine hands.

JGA. I am absolutely not telling you that.

SA. You’re saying he’s going to use my tongue as a canvas for his spicy art?

JGA. OK now you’re just being gross.

SA. I’m calling them now. What’s it called?

JGA. La Fessée. I mean: I forget. I don’t remember. I think they got shut down for serving bad vajayjay.

SA. I’m booking a table for two but you’re not required to go. I know it’s Eric Roberts Week.

JGA. Oh I’m going. If you’re getting your tongue-canvas painted then I’m going to be there to film it.

SA. Aw, so jealous! Sometimes I love you, sweetheart.

JGA. Taking you out to dinner means I don’t have to get you a present, right?

—click—