CHASE CREDIT CARD SERVICES. Chase Credit Card Services this is Bruce how may I provide excellent service to you today.

JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Bruuuuuuuuce.

CCCS. Yes hello how many I provide ex—

JGA. Glory days, they’ll pass you by.

CCCS. Yes sir.

JGA. Especially when you’re in a cubicle wearing a little headset.

CCCS. No kidding.

JGA. Bruce, I have a really ridiculous charge here on my bill that I need you to make go away. I know you have this power.

CCCS. OK, can I get your card number?

JGA. Ha ha yeah right.

CCCS. Sir, I just need to pull up your—

JGA. You think I’m falling for that old chestnut? That’s probably how I got into this mess in the first place. Some hooligan in droopy drawers got me all confused with his good looks and stole my card and ran up this huge phone sex bill.

CCCS. Ah, here we go.

JGA. Bruce, I’m looking at $365.17 for something called “TeleVag Xplicixx Entertaiment LLC” and yes they spelled “entertainment” wrong.

CCCS. And you have no reco—

JGA. There’s an 800 number here next to it and I called it just to confirm my worst fears.

CCCS. Were they confirmed?

JGA. Totes. I was on there for like 45 minutes, unable to believe what I was hearing. Back in my day the ladies didn’t even know what a polypropylene drum pump was, let alone have all kinds of filthy ideas for how to use one. Anyway I’ll be calling you next month about that charge.

CCCS. So you think somebody maybe got access to your card number?

JGA. I know I didn’t call this terrible hotline! If any middle-aged woman’s going to pretend to be a loose young hottie and talk to me about how it’s too hot in her lesbian dorm room, it’s going to be my beloved wife, thank you very much. I took a vow.

CCCS. She’s right there with you, isn’t she.

JGA. Uh, affirmativo.

CCCS. Well, sir, I should be able to issue you a credit for the $300 if you’ll—

JGA. Dude, it’s … what. It’s $365.17.

CCCS. Yes but there is a one-time $65.17 processing fee.

JGA. That’s a pretty specific amount.

CCCS. It ensures that no one at Chase Credit Card Services will contact you or any members of your family about this ridiculous charge.

JGA. You blackmailing hooligan!

CCCS. Sir, you get your phone sex at a greatly discounted rate, I get sixty bucks to spend on drugs so I can forget about my terrible job for a few hours, and your wife will be none the wiser.

JGA. Hm. OK. I find your customer service to be very compelling.

CCCS. Though I’m pretty sure she’s not buying any of this.

JGA. Well, kid, sometimes in this life you have to go through the motions in order to avoid trouble.

CCCS. Gee really I did not know that. Now if I could just get your credit card number—

JGA. Dream on, a-hole! Fuck Patti Scialfa!

—click—