JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. I hope this isn’t my wife because you caught me right in the middle of giving your sister a suggestive back rub!

SONIA ALLEN. Lucky for us my sister died in the womb.

JGA. She did?

SA. No.

JGA. Fee-yew!

SA. But what if she did, honey.

JGA. I’d probably be all: Well, sweetheart, as you know, a prayer down here turns into a suggestive back rub in Heaven, and that’s all I was doing.

SA. You wouldn’t maybe want to start just answering the phone like someone with a decent upbringing?

JGA. I like to start a—you’ll learn this about me—I like to start a conversation with a real bold example of what I’m all about. Where I stand on the issues, the works. Let the folks know what they’re about to wrangle with.

SA. Let’s say we’ve been married coming up on fifteen years.

JGA. Hey, you didn’t say “fifteen fucking years” this time!

SA. Yes and maybe after fifteen years when I call you I don’t need to know where you stand on the issues or what you’re all about. Because that’s all been made really really clear.

JGA. Well maybe you were at your job all day, having meetings with those so-called men you work with, those guys with the sandals? Talking about TV shows? So maybe when you call me you need a little refresher course in what exactly Josh Allen brings to the table.

SA. Here’s a refresher course: My sister died of leukemia when she was seven.

JGA. Oh yeah.

—click—