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JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Moshi moshi. SONIA ALLEN. Hey what the hell did you do to breakfast this morning? JGA. Shh! SA. You shh. JGA. Honey, I’m pretty sure someone’s listening. SA. To what? JGA. To this. To my phone. SA.... This Terrible Hotline CHASE CREDIT CARD SERVICES. Chase Credit Card Services this is Bruce how may I provide excellent service to you today. JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Bruuuuuuuuce. CCCS. Yes hello how many I provide ex— JGA. Glory days, they’ll pass you by. CCCS.... A Thing of Mayo JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Hey Future Josh, it’s your own handsome self! Giving you a call! I bet you got all excited when you saw you had a voicemail because you forgot about calling yourself. Didn’t you. Let me guess. You... No Chicken Fingered JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Go. SONIA ALLEN. Guess what week it is! JGA. Eric Roberts Week on TNT, doy. Everybody knows that. SA. I said guess what week this is. JGA. [sighs] Birthday Week. SA. Oh my goodness! Then where are... Say Whatever MARISOL ALLEN. Daddy? JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Who is this. MA. Father, I’m at the Blockbuster. JGA. Blockbuster? MA. Yeah I need some movie advice. JGA. OK well step one is that you leave Blockbuster immediately. They don’t even have NC-17... My Wicked Education “FABULOUS” MITCHELL ALLEN. Can’t talk, J. I’m too busy not talking to you to talk to you right now. JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Why you gotta hate right out the gate? FMA. I mean I am just swamped. JGA. Quick question... How I Want This Shampoo to Go PUBLIC HAIR. Public Hair, this is Michelle! JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Michelle, I need to make an appointment. For reals. PH. Great! Just a haircut, or..? JGA. I need the deluxe treatment, Michelle. I’m like Chewbacca driving a convertible over here.... The Refresher Course JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. I hope this isn’t my wife because you caught me right in the middle of giving your sister a suggestive back rub! SONIA ALLEN. Lucky for us my sister died in the womb. JGA. She did? SA.... This Word-Picture Is Extremely Vivid JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Who dis. PENNINGTON GREEN. This is your aunt. I am going to paint you a word-picture. JGA. Oh my god. PG. There is a big rusty nail on the floor and it has been covered with acid.... I'm Heartbroken About Mister Swiffer ELEANOR ALLEN. Hello who is this. JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. (sniffs) Mama? EA. Mitchie? Isn’t it a little early for your weekly cry? JGA. Ma, this is Jiggies. EA. Jiggies, are you OK? Is somebody in the hospital with rickets? JGA.... The Final Authority On All Matters JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. (high-pitched voice) Cap’n Ass-Master’s office! MARISOL ALLEN. Nice, Daddy. JGA. Sorry, I thought you were your mother. MA. You know, your phone tells you who’s calling, if you just— JGA. I can barely hear you, sweetheart. Are... All The Signs Are In Spanish JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. (crotchety female voice) Son? Son, is that you? “FABULOUS” MITCHELL ALLEN. Mom? JGA. (mean old lady voice) You have been such a disappointment to me, Mitchell. Especially when it comes to stocking stuffers and making your poor... My Doctor Is Being A Real Jerk DR. KARL MANZ. This is Dr. Karl, helloooo! JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. Doc, it’s Josh. KM. (silence) JGA. Josh Allen, doc. KM. I know who it is. How’d you get this number. JGA. Your receptionist cut a deal with me. Said... I Bring The Comfort 411. City and state. JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. The Mile High Cit-ay, State of Sexual Healin’. 411. How may I help you? JGA. What up tonight, foxy mama. 411. How may I direct your call. JGA. Name’s Josh. Maybe you’ve heard... Uterus Polio JOSHUA GREEN ALLEN. (coughs horribly) DON SWEZEY. Let me guess. It’s sickly Mr. Allen with polio in his uterus. JGA. Boss, I— (coughing continues, followed by ghastly retching) DS. Josh, you’re not getting out of the presentation. JGA. Let’s say... ©2008 / Joshua Green Allen |